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About Logs

"New website, who dis?"

Hello, I am someone who is just making a personal website in an effort to cope with the ever increasing global armaggedon, as well as, my own personal internal torture.
For years, I went through series of traumatic events that molded me into the anxious and (slightly) mentally troubled goofball, that which, is typing this very sentences and phrases right now. With the events of 2020 onward, it causes me to cower and hide from my sick desires of being into kawaii internet culture.
It turns out, hiding your deep desires inside your head for too long can cause mental blocks, depression and dissatisfaction in life. So, I am unloading all those years of repressed emotions, thoughts, and ideas, in order that not only will I stabilize as a pent-up freak, but to rediscover who I really am capable of.
Please standby for whatever's coming soon

[Virtually] Coming Out...

With how much things are becoming more unstable, it might be for the better if we come out as queer already, since this might be the only way for me to resist the global elitist plan to erradicate and dehumanize trans and queer folks
Yes, I'm here, I have a tax code, and I am trans non-binary. My birth is not a mistake, nor a sin, as some of my family members would determine to say. I experienced conversion therapy, it is horrid. No you cannot pray it away.
Today is just hard to go through, with the multiple times of anti-LGBTQ+ propaganda by my local diocese, and the negative remarks of my family members in support of the religious condemnation against being gay. For all there is to it, I had to put this out here, as a hidden contempt and protest against these motherfuckers, and against this societal dehumanization of trans and queers alike.

Hidden Nuances

It is one year ever since I've been legally an adult. First impressions: horrifying.
For most of my life, I got fed by a silver spoon, at least what I thought to be at the time. You see, my grandmother really pampered me so much, it made me think that I don't need to teach myself anything. For a long time, my perception and hypothesis of life is one of ease and natural ability to go through things flawlessly, after all, if everyone around me said that I have much potential, why even bother to try something at all?
Looking at it now, that was a very unfortunate mindset to instill upon a young, slightly mentally disturbed child.
Now, here I am, struggling to figure out where to move on from knowing how much I fucked up in childhood. And, with the timing of things not favouring the goodness of all, it's getting quite hard in adapting to this adulting thing. Hopefully, I could still resolve some things before they become too late to fundamentally change it.

The Permission to Back Away

I assert this: Not one of us fellow human beings deserve to be instilled with the same crippling path that suppossed to be the "one true stable life".
Because, as humans, we sometimes cannot be satisfied for anything.

Neurodivergence in a hardcore environment really sucks

For context, my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, were from a time that their parents conceive mental problems as something of a nusiance.
Today just sucks, as my brain decided to not sync up. What really made it worse is of my grandfather, advising me to "just take the symptom away". I loathe for the unfortunate timing where I started to experience these {undiagnosed} panic attacks.
The thing I hate about the old fucks of my family clan, is that they still don't see mental issues as legitimate problems, despite the multiple flags shown throughout my current lifetime of being unstable and having attempts. It is just fucking frustrating to have yourself (who hates you) as your only defence against their petty arguments, as if they know what they talk about

To the public internet,

I wrote myself today. And I want to update it as every year pass.

eighteen years

I've been on this planet for eighteen years.
Some parts of it were good, some weren't.
And now, I stare on my life, only to find it devoided of meaning and purpose.

It's been a tough one for sure. Many people I've met for these years were just horribly awful. Add that to the bullying in primary and high school, it results on an individual too scared to try things anymore.
Knowing that despite these, the universe dosen't give a damn about you, really hurts, and it still hurts to a degree that's too much to admit. This website is part of an incentive to figure out my own difficult childhood, and to maybe even move on from it.
This message will keep repeating until there's no more tommorow.

Several updates:

1. I'm about to have a j*b [training].
   The end of my unemployed life starts tommorow
2. I've been officially adopted as a member of the Webmaster Webring. You should see a button at the about page :3
3. It has been ten days since this website went online.
   I'm so glad to have this place where I could scream a bit
   :>

Job Preparation Training - DAY 1

For the most part, it's boring. For some parts, it's terrifying.
But, it is satisfying enough. I fumbled around the job interview part though. Still met some nice and decent jobseekers who are more educated and matured than me.

Homeostasis

That's my main goal at the moment, college can wait.
Ever since attending elementary/primary school to graduating high school, I just sucked at some things. From an awkward social manner and not having long-time social circles, financial overspending, ignoring hobbies, mental maths, fitness, the list goes on.
Not only that, but with being slightly disturbed, it's been hard to manage normal human things for me.
So, at least for a while, I'mma relearn myself on how to be a responsible and mentally and physically well now-adult. Don't worry, college will be there, soon enough.

Coup d'etat

Recent national information had shown that there is conflict brewing within our government.
I would not go through it before my ego would flare up, but let's just say, one party dosen't want to give up a highly sought after criminal.
And the way his companions, and the majority of the general public reacted, cause me to grow an upset dissatisfaction of how fragile everything could be.

You went through the latest entry. Come back for more soon :3